"Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy" 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't. A day without sunshine is like, night. A fool and his money are a girl's best friend. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. All generalizations are false. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Ask me about my vow of silence. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!! Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Black holes are where God divided by zero. Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death. Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS CAUTION! I drive like you do! Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. CLINTON HAPPENS. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Cover me. I'm changing lanes. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Did you check if your horn works? Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. Don't steal. The government hates competition. Dyslexics of the world, untie! Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. EARTH FIRST - We'll log the other planets later. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. ESCHEW OBFUSCATION. (means avoid confusion/overcomplication) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Few women admit their age, few men act it. Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Gravity always gets me down. Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks. Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW! Grow your own dope. Plant a man. Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do. HANG-UP & DRIVE Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! Have a nice day... somewhere else. Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it? He who laughs last thinks slowest. Help starve a feeding bureaucrat. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. Honk if you like peace and quiet. Honk if you love peace and quiet. How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away? I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean. I Brake For No Apparent Reason. I brake for…wait…AAAH!…NO BRAKES!!!!! I can handle pain until it hurts. I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. I fish! Therefore, I lie. I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken. I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles. I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins. I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight! i souport publik edekasion I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving. I swerve for cats. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. I think your hard drive has a slipped disk. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria. If we aren't supposed to eat amimals, why are they made with meat? If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it! I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower. I'm back by popular demand. I'm not driving fast-just flying low. I'm objective; I object to everything. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. It's bad luck to be superstitious. It's been Monday all week. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Life is too complicated in the morning. Life's a beach, and then you drown. Life's too short to dance with ugly men/women. LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Men are idiots and I married their king. Men are proof that women can take a joke. Montana --- At least our cows are sane! My karma ran over your dogma. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird! National Atheist's Day April 1 No matter where you go, you're there. Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. Nuke the Whales. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? On the other hand, you have different fingers. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. sticker and watch the road!!!") Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography They told me I was gullible... and I believed them. They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES! Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students! Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. Today's subliminal message is: ( ) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR. WARNING: mental backup in progress. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"? Welcome to California. Now go home! What happens if you get scared half to death twice? When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. Where there's a will, I want to be in it! Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Work is for people who don't know how to fish. You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.